8 ways to pee from your kayak
If you’ve ever had to “go” when you’re offshore in your kayak, then you know that it can be a bit of a challenge. I will humbly admit that I’ve performed the easy half of an eskimo roll on more than one occasion while trying to vacate my bladder from the cockpit.
Here are eight tried and true methods, some more obvious than others, for replenishing Earth’s nitrogen cycle while you’re out on the swells.
- Just jump out or tip over
Not much to explain here. Use your preferred method of getting out of your kayak, take care of business, and get back in. DO NOT attempt this method if you’re alone and have difficulty self-rescuing, because no matter how good it feels not to have to pee anymore, it feels better to be safely in your boat.
- Pee into a bottle
I hope no instructions are necessary here. Nalgenes work best because of the wide mouth; it makes up for bad aim. Just dump it out when you’re done. If you go this route, label your pee bottle, so you (or someone else) don’t mistake it for an actual WATER bottle.
- Pee in your boat
Not a very glamorous strategy but it sure shears the sheep, and it requires the least amount of effort in this list. It’s easy to give your boat (and yourself) a quick rinse at the next stop. I would, however, refrain from eating asparagus before wetting your boat.
- The Golden Arch (My personal favorite)
Sorry ladies, this one is for guys only. The Golden Arch requires finesse, concentration, and no small amount of water pressure (you know what I mean). Once you have everything arranged and the nozzle aimed just over the edge of your cockpit, let it flow. Admittedly the crux of this maneuver is the finish. You MUST maintain full pressure until the very last moment or else you’ll end up with a few ounces in your lap but it’s far better than the full liter.
- The Sponge Method
Every self-respecting sea kayaker has a sponge handy to clean the boat out and remove excess water from the cockpit. Well wouldn’t you know it, it’s perfect for removing excess pee from your body too. Just pee directly onto the sponge and once it’s saturated, squeeze it out over the side. Be sure to clean your pee sponge with a mild bleach solution between outings.
- The buddy pee
If you’re paddling with a partner (preferably a friend with whom you have little to no boundaries) this is an excellent option. Your pee partner can come along side your boat and hold it steady while you do your thing. Once you’re back in the seat with your spray skirt on, you can share an awkward smile and paddle off into the sunset.
- The Stand and pee
WARNING: ONLY FOR ADVANCED PADDLERS AND EXPERT YOGIS.
If you are skilled enough to stand up in your kayak and pee over the side, please contact me because I’m in need of lessons. When attempting this, know your surroundings so as not to inadvertently flash your pee parts to unsuspecting bystanders.
- Just paddle to land
Yup, be that member of the team that makes everyone else wait. Just make sure your launches and landings are dialed in or they’ll never let you forget that time that you biffed a surf landing when you needed to take a leak.
Do you have a different game plan for when you go, an amusing accident anecdote? Don’t be too shy to share, because we’ve all been there!